Ted "Epic Failure" Hayes

The anti-immigration rally held this past Saturday provided me with 2 hours of flavorful entertainment. None of the acts performed by the clowns who participated in the rally were more entertaining than that of Theodore Hayes.

Researching and reading about Hayes’ previous work, the 58-year-old has an impressive resume. Since the 1980s, he has centered most of his energies as a homeless activist. One of his biggest achievements was founding Dome Village, a project to reduce homelessness in L.A. while at the same time offering a community for people to “learn how to live in the real world.” [*]

But when he took the microphone at the rally, you wouldn’t think he was, according to The Wall Street Journal, “a totemic figure in L.A. who has long emphasized problem-solving and individual responsibility.” [*]

He was an unfocused, incoherent, inarticulate, barren and futile speaker who was apparently only invited to speak because of the color of his skin. After listening to his speech, the only reason I can think of why the Minutemen and the Save Our State folks invited this guy out was to prove to everyone that they truly aren’t racists. This effort failed since the majority of Hayes’ speech – if you want to call it that – was focused on the issue of race. Was this necessary after the Minutemen, Save Our State folks, Councilman Bob Kellar and other supporters spent the past few weeks defending that their cause has nothing to do with race?

Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but the purpose of speaking at any rally is to address the issue at hand. Speakers should offer an argument pertaining to the rally, supported by facts, data and evidence.

Hayes’ lacked every thing the Minutemen/SOS needed to help their cause. Hayes essentially went on an incoherent rant for about 10 minutes just to hear himself through the PA system.

After thinking about how to respond to Hayes, I decided that he could do most of the talking, which he probably prefers anyway:

Fail #1

Wrong vocabulary: After a brief introduction of him and his friends, he thanks the March and Shaw family for attending and supporting the anti-illegal immigration rally, claiming that the loss of their loved ones has grown life.

Wait, what?

“Yet out of their loss, has grown life. Many more people have been helped now because of what happened to David March. They are exporting, deporting – what do you call it? –extraditing criminals, murderers back to the U.S. for justice. Because of the Shaw family, more people are more aware.”

So, the deaths of two individuals at the hands of illegal immigrants have grown life in the way that more people are now aware of the illegal immigrant problem? That’s an interesting way of putting it. I also loved how he started with David March and then ended the same story referring to the Shay family. Way to be focused, Hayes.

Fail #2

Someone didn’t do his homework: I have a suggestion for those organizing any future rallies (no matter what they’re protesting): Make sure your speakers are familiar with prominent individuals involved in your protest.

“I want to also acknowledge the councilman.” (a man in the crowd yells “Yea!”) “Mr. Sellars. David Sellars. Mr. Selars. White dude. The white dude. Hey white man. They say you are a racist, Mr. White Man, because you said – (various people scream out “Bob Kellar”) BOB KELLAR! BOB KELLAR. Yea, the white guy. Bob Kellar.”

David Sellars? Who the hell is David Sellars? This is why you don’t invite people who do not live in the Santa Clarita Valley to speak at rallies in my town. They don’t understand the community. They don’t understand who is who. And they don’t deserve to have a voice on a podium.

I particularly enjoyed the fact that no one knew who Hayes was referring to until he said, “They say you are a racist.” Then everyone in the crowd yelled out Bob Keller’s name. Seems to me the term “racist” and “Bob Keller” are now synonymous. His mother should be proud.

“They said that Bob Kellar is a racist because he stands against illegal immigration. Because he stands for the truth. He stands for our country. He stands under the flag, they call him a racist. From what I heard … if standing for the truth, standing for my country, standing against illegality makes me a racist, then I am a proud racist. Well guess what Bob Kellar, I’m with you! I’m a proud racist too!”

Well, there goes the past few weeks of Bob Kellar supporters claiming he’s truly not a racist.

Fail #3

You can’t rewrite Webster’s Dictionary: Hayes, who is a self-proclaimed “Western Ghandi,” also apparently feels like he has the authority to redefine words.

“I am against illegal immigration. Let me tell you who the racists are. The racists are people who call themselves, these so called, (ugh ugh ugh) what we call illegal aliens. So called immigrants. They are not immigrants, they are criminals. They are breaking the law. And anyone, particularly socialists and Marxists, who are behind that movement and using those people, those people, they are the racists. They are the racists.”

So, you’re telling me that all the businesses and corporations that hire illegal immigrants for cheap labor are racist? That socialists and Marxists are racists? And illegal immigrants themselves are racists, too?

According to Dictionary.com, racism is “a belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one’s own race is superior and has the right to rule others.” Looks like the only racist here is Hayes himself.

Fail #4

Lack of manners: But to further prove his new definition of a racist, he graces those in attendance with a personal story:

“Do you know how many times – now I am going to use some words up here that you may not appreciate, but they’re the truth. When we marched on Broadway … (and Hollywood? It was hard for me to understand him here) and when those people (who?) came out to protest, they had a right to protest. But what did they call us? Niggers! Honkies! Crackers! Every derogatory word in the book, they used those names against us!”

First of all, screaming the word “nigger” on a speaker system … in front of a library… in public … is never appropriate. I don’t care if you invented the word (which he didn’t), there is no place for that word, especially during a rally. I don’t care what the context is.

Fail #5

Wrong vocabulary. Again. The terms “honkie” and “cracker” are disparaging terms used for white people.

Fail #6

Lack of a coherent argument.

“I grew up in Jim Crow, Maryland … Where blacks and whites were separated by law. … In my whole life time I’ve been called a nigger 10 times to my face, whole lifetime. … (He then raised his voice) In one day alone, by these so called immigrants, I was called a nigger over a 100 times!”

Can someone please tell me what his point was here? How does this support the idea behind the rally? How does this support any idea, really?

Fail #7

Lack of focus:

“I found out, in Mexico, black people are not appreciated (light laughter from crowd). If you are black and get caught in Mexico, you will probably go to jail.”

How did this turn into a black thing? And again, what is the point? He continues to run his mouth about how his son went to Tijuana, got arrested, and then got robbed. They didn’t arrest him and rob him because he was black. The first mistake that was made was going to Tijuana. Everyone knows that place is shady. I could pull a hundred stories of people I know who have had bad experiences in Tijuana. How does this have anything to do with illegal immigrants in the United States? Hayes is simply being a racist and spreading negative propaganda about Mexico and the people that live there.

What happened to attacking policy and not individuals?

Fail #8

Unpatriotic Patriot: The following concludes his speech. I apologize in advance if it’s hard to understand. His stream of consciousness was hard to transcribe and I tried to distinguish his sentences as best I could. (Note: There are no spelling errors in the following paragraph either. I phonetically spelled out words the way he pronounced them.)

“Illegal immigrants are taking away my civil rights. That white people gave their lives for to free my people from slavery, and then thought that we may have equal footing in this country as citizens. These folks are coming and taking that away from me. That is racism (there he goes redefining the definition again). According to the Constitution of the United States, anything that denies the emancipated slaves to full equal opportunity at the bounties of America is racism. That’s not you. (I’m assuming he’s referring to us white people) That’s them (I’m assuming he’s referring to illegal immigrants). I’m calling on my white brothers and sisters. I’m calling on my brothers and sister, my patriotic brothers and sisters. Please get the attitude of David Kellar. No longer be intimidated because of the color of the wonderful color of your skin (multiple people trying to correct him on the name. He doesn’t even notice). White is beautiful. Stand for who you are. Stop being guilt tricked. Guilt tricking you, and me, and our country will get us nowhere. That’s why we got Barack Obama in The White House as President. Because white Americans were guilt trip-ted. It’s time we stop that. (In July 2007, he wrote: “I tend to be supportive of all Presidents despite their party affiliation” on his Myspace.) And I’m here to let you know that, as a black man, dressed in my white (laughter from crowd), I’m with you. Not because you’re white. Not because I’m black. Not because she’s brown or red or yellow, but because we are red, white and blue! We are the United States of America! We are Americans! I am not an African American. I am an American who happens to be from Africa… exiled out of Africa by West Africas. I am Americas (?) God bless America. God bless you. God bless the rain. God bless America.”

Fail #9

And then, to top it all off, he busted out singing the National Anthem.

Some call him a character. Some call him a great man with a great personality who has a refreshing approach to problems.

I prefer to call him an embarrassment.